ive seen very few if any sexy models. modeling in general is not sexy i dont see how u could be attracted to a model. posing is not sexy bein aware of the camera is not sexy. candid is sexy. im sexy. im candid. im candy. eye candy. hi mandy. im randy. beach sandy. need handy.
white person: *eats chicken tikka masala once* i just…. i feel so connected… to indian culture …. I’m learning to speak islam…. check out my third eye….. chakra
Every time I see this. Every damn time. I’m immediately sucked back into my fuckin. Fuckin English lit class with Mr. Fuckass McShit. Mr. “Hit the gong to begin class”, “Namaste, Children”, “I wanna go backpacking in India to find my spiritual awakening and also my left burkinstock that I lost during a cedar sauna drum circle” ass bastard.
“Do you want to share your poetry with the class to get in touch with your emotions” ass fucker. Mr. “Here’s a photograph of a tribal shaman, describe him using nature words” asshole. Pretentious-ass, condescending motherfucker.
“Do you want to tell us about your saddest memory?”
“I dunno, sir. Are you giving me an option?”
“No.”
“Then why are you asking”
Every goddamn day. Fuck. “You seem tense.” Oh, I seem tense? I seem tense. Well fuck, Professor Pillsbury, maybe I ‘seem tense’ because I walk into a room on five hours of sleep to the sound of a goddamn brass gong drilling through my brain and your seven-foot-nine, socks-and-sandals-wearing, patchouli-smelling ass immediately gravitates in my direction with some shit like “a tree……… Is a Poem” and I gotta sit here and politely tell you that No I’m Not Comfortable Telling The Class About A Time I Was Emotionally Vulnerable With A Loved One using words that sound like the way the color yellow smells. Maybe I don’t wanna sit in a circle and hold hands with Brittney from Computer Sciences to “align our auras” or some shit. Fuck. Fuuuuuuck.
I swear to God, if I wanted to sing ‘kumbaya’ with a smelly old guy with gross facial hair who writes bad porn on the side, I’d go out to the parking lot and share a Hookah with Crazy Dan, the disgraced electrician.
What, I don’t wanna do an interpretive dance to represent the spiritual experience of eating Quinoa in a room full of ambivalent preteens and suddenly I’m the ‘troubled youth’ you need to Robin Williams “O Captain My Captain” your way into having a Paternal Bonding Moment powerful enough to Expand My Impressionable Young Mind and Turn My Life Around, you goddamn saint, you? Jesus Fucking Christ. You insufferable jackass. You’re not “Enlightened”, you rolled out of bed and ate half a pot brownie, wrote a sad song about a leaf, and strolled into class to ramble about your Spirit Animal for six hours straight before calling it a day. Holy Jesus goddamned Christ. Fucking Balls, sir. Holy Fucking Balls
Okay but I wanna know what Crazy Dan did to become a disgraced electrician
i got banned from a canine fitness & structure evaluation facebook group once because somebody posted a dachshund for critique and i commented “too long” and nothing else
Hey yall, The Carpet Merchant Vol I needs $10k more, and the deadline is
in mid-September. It has to be 100% funded for it to be published.
It’d be amazing to make it a real book, but I need your help!
Please reblog or back! Thank you so much ;o;
stop by table N93B at flamecon and pick up me and paloma’s high school musical zine my head’s in the game, but my heart’s in the song – 16pg, featuring sports and theater as thinly veiled metaphors
Rachel: uh, and- and it’s something that I’ve noticed like, when I saw these three things about like- empathy, positivity, and strong emotional connections, it kinda helped me highlight… which components were missing from my previous relationships and kind of-
Griffin: you scared the living- the ever living fucking- mother fucking-
Rachel: *laughing*
Griffin: -fucking shit out of me and I shit my pants and almost died.
Rachel: *still laughing*
Griffin: are you kidding me? Doing a sentence like that? On a podcast? I almost shit my fucking butt off- are you kidding me? “It helped me realize something-“ this is our last episode of Wonderful!- are you kidding me?
Rachel: *laughing* I’m sorry
Griffin: Jesus Christ-
Rachel: *still laughing* helped me realize what was missing from my previous relationships-
Griffin: okay, but you understand that you sent shockwaves through the whole- like people were writing Facebook posts like, “WHAT THE FU- oh.”
Rachel: why would I bring you to this podcast to tear you-
Griffin: i don’t know! Last week you brought our sexual relations- our sexual conquest into the thing, I thought that “maybe Rachel is doing a bold new style of podcasting”
Rachel: *laughing* Griffin, I’m taking this opportunity…
Griffin: yeah, wowzers
Rachel: no, I was gonna say that it makes me realize why ours works so well
Griffin: oh, thank God
Rachel: ‘cause we are very empathetic with each other, we do compliment each other often-
Griffin: yeah
Rachel: and-
Griffin: sex power is off the charts
Rachel: -we’re positive
Griffin: yeah, we can’t even quantify our sex power
Rachel: yeahh, sex power
Griffin: blew up the bedroom yesterday
Rachel: ah, jeez
Griffin: a wave of super sonic force shot out of my body like I was-
Rachel: well you don’t have to tell out listeners, they probably felt it
Griffin: oh, no, apparently that’s what we do on this show, is tell them about my super sonic sex energy like Blanka from Street Fighter- shooting out of my body like electricity, tearing off the wall paper
Rachel: i don’t know who Blanka is
Griffin: that’s okay, he’s a big green monster from Street Fighter. He’s cool. He does this power where he crouches down and shoots electricity out of his body and like, y’know, E. Honda tries to punch him but gets a big shock
Rachel: you with your sex power, you’re more like Sheet Fighter
